It’s the kicking for me. The little baby boy in my belly started to kick about three weeks ago, and hasn’t stopped. Sometimes in the mornings, I just lay on my back with my hands on my belly, just waiting to feel the tiny, irregular pokes that soon come and I feel so unbelievably happy — it’s really happening. I’m gonna be a momma, I AM a momma and in a way, my life has a purpose now.
I’ve been crying a lot, but like, emotional tears thinking about my baby. It’s ridiculous how often my eyes water when random thoughts cross my mind, like how cute his laugh will sound and how I can’t wait to kiss his soft baby cheeks and all the questions he will ask about the world when he gets older. I try not to think too much about his future hobbies/interests/personality because I don’t want him born into any expectations. There are certain things Andrew and I will probably try to cultivate in him, such as a love for the outdoors, travel, and open-mindedness to different cultures and perspectives. But all I want is for him to be a happy kid with a kind, genuine heart who isn’t afraid to love a lot.
I’m grateful to be surrounded by so much love and support from family and friends, it really has made the changes easier. Several momma girlfriends have sent me their old registry lists + helpful comments on brand recommendations, nice-to-have things vs must-haves, and general encouragement and inspiration. The baby gear market is absolutely BONKERS and I swing between spending hours reading up on safety ratings between baby carrier brands to feeling like letting the baby sleep in a wicker basket would be just fine.
I have moments when I get moody and feel alone and misunderstood, but then I quickly realize that so many women have gone through this journey and I have plenty of momma girlfriends to talk to. I appreciate you so much. Sometimes there’s a bit of a lingering guilt that I’m not doing enough, like when I see pregnant women (usually on IG) working out hardcore or dressing up and wearing heels while traveling or throwing elaborate baby showers or designing super trendy nurseries. These usually come in the form of IG ads, and being so familiar with social media and marketing you’d think I’d have thicker skin but it still gets to me a little. But I’m still working full time, keeping up w my social life, doing fun stuff and making a freakin’ BABY so that should be enough. I tell myself it is enough.
Physically, oddly I think I’m in peak health. I don’t have as much energy as usual, but I’m not at all sick, swollen or in pain so I’d say I am doing pretty well. I absolutely adore my bump, I think it’s the cutest thing. It’s been so fascinating watching my body shape change, and I’m secretly delighted with how I’m only gaining weight around my belly area and I get to try on cute maternity clothes (but don’t really need to yet). I am so proud of what my body is doing to grow my son. Little baby is around the size of a small cantaloupe now, and with the way it’s going, by the time I reach full term I might look like a pregnant guppy. Have you ever seen one? I had some in a fish tank when I was a kid — they’re so tiny and so deformed but cute. I haven’t missed alcohol at all. And thanks to myself and with the support of my sweet Andrew, we have been eating super well with lots of fresh garden-to-table meals and just a well-rounded diet overall. Lots of salmon, fresh produce, cheese and nuts for snacks, it’s honestly been great and I haven’t had weird cravings aside from bok choy and dark, leafy greens (it’s okay I’m rolling my eyes too but it’s true, ugh).
When friends ask me how I decided whether or not I wanted kids, the answer comes easily: Andrew. I didn’t know I could feel this confident about having kids until I met him, the one person on this earth I wanted to make and raise a family with. Of course it’s different for everyone, but I have definitely spent much of my 20’s dating men I knew for certain I did NOT want to have children with. For me, having the right partner made all the difference. I think I wrote about this years ago actually…filtering out men via whether or not I’d want their children was a helpful exercise. Also, have you SEEN his baby photos?! 😭 Andrew has been an amazing, attentive dad-to-be, from always making sure I’m comfortable, fed and well-rested. He kisses and talks to my belly every day too, and we both dream of being able to hold little baby soon. It’s almost like this is the most important thing in my world right now, and it feels good. Three more months to go!
TL;DR: My pregnancy is going perfectly well, and I am filled with gratitude.
