“I’m sorry that I live a boring life, I love peace.” — Kendrick Lamar
Early this morning Owen tucked himself in-between Andrew and I in bed, all of us stuffed between pillows and tangled in sheets. He threw his little arms up in a stretch with a tiny smile. “I WUV dis. Mama and dada and Owie. I WUV it.” I turned my head to plant sleepy smooches all over my baby’s soft, squishy cheeks, holding Andrew’s hand across the bed. I think I may have it all.
If there is ever a good time to reflect on how your life is going, I feel like birthday eves are it. I’ve completed thirty-five years of life! The past year has been slow, exhausting, joyful, and full of interpersonal change. The stand out factor? Becoming a toddler mom. I can say with certainty that motherhood has aged me because…being a mom of a toddler is really damn hard sometimes. I finally learned about self-regulating my nervous system . And how did I not know that being able to manage my own emotions would be so critical? Toddlers have meltdowns multiple times a day and responding with patience, kindness (while not crying myself) is something I’ve gotten so much better at, but it’s still very difficult. But motherhood has also softened me and I’ve regained a sense of humor about the messy state of our home, whether or not we make it to events on time, or if I’m wearing a socially acceptable outfit (my dirty white Crocs are my go-to’s now, ewwwww-yeehaw!). I’ve gone from an exhausted, borderline-nervous-breakdown mom to a calmer, productive and usually happier mom. I mean, I still occasionally crumble but those are directly correlated to a rough night’s sleep, and now I know the difference between a crappy day and a crappy life. I also got a Stanley cup and actually drink so much more water now, which has been a life goal of mine every year since my 20’s haha.
My marriage went through a very trying time during new baby season, which is more typical than anyone is willing to admit. Now that we’re out of the woods, I can say that there were days, weeks…no, MONTHS that my husband could not do anything right. I was convinced that he still loved me, but that he loved himself more. As a SAHM, I was always sleep deprived and my days felt repetitive and mundane compared to his. I couldn’t stand being around him, but needed his contribution to parenting, more than just a financial one. I still won’t say ‘help’ because him ‘helping’ me would suggest that parenting was all my responsibility and therefore anything he did would be extra. I could write a lot more about this another day.
Once we established that both of us were equally responsible for Owie during ‘off work hours’ and figured out sustainable sleeping shifts, things got better. And therapy, lots and lots of therapy. A stellar couple’s therapist is worth their weight in gold, and we finally found one. As we settled into our identities as more experienced parents this past year, we somehow found our way back to each other, and now I am once again laughing at his dad jokes and excited to curl up next to him on the couch after work. We even threw our delayed wedding celebration last summer! This, I think, means I picked the right person to spend my life with and I cannot believe my luck. And you know what? It was just in time for Owen to notice, and he is delighted.
Friendships took a turn this past year. The friends that stayed, I’m closer with. The friends that faded out, I’m still grieving over but it’s okay — evolving relationships are a sign of growth. And new friends, my goodness there are so many new friends! Andrew and I went from being one of the only parents in our friend group to getting adopted by a local community of young families, making Owen a very popular little toddler. Owen starting school also expanded our parent-friends circle. Our weekends are packed with birthday parties, park playdates, soccer practice, impromptu hikes and camping trips…it’s kind of tiring to be honest but it feels so good to have a social life that my family is a part of. My newfound mom friends are quickly becoming real friends, and watching Andrew build up his dad crew has been so heartwarming.
I am also shyly proud to note that I fit all my pre-baby clothes again! I started going to the gym consistently last winter and I may be stronger and more fit now that I was before pregnancy, so there’s that. Everyone has a different journey but this has been mine. My postpartum bangs aren’t so crazy anymore and I actually feel good about myself when I look in the mirror again. I would probably look better not wearing sweats every day, but maybe working on my closet will come next year. I have to figure out what is an appropriate mom wardrobe, always a moving target.
And lastly I cannot end this note without acknowledging the work I’ve done in individual therapy this past year and how helpful it’s been. I’m so glad therapy is pretty much mainstream now — when I started therapy over ten years ago it felt kinda taboo still, like there was something seriously wrong with you to need therapy. Now we know that there IS something seriously wrong with everyone so we ALL need therapy! Go do it!
So going into my thirty-sixth year, I couldn’t really ask for a better life with better people. Every year as I get older, I realize my fears from the year before have melted away and I’ve grown stronger, calmer and wiser. What am I apprehensive about this upcoming year? Returning back to the workforce and my skin. Stay tuned!
